Question: Dear Nobleseeker, I'm a single man in my 60s who enjoys long hikes through our various national forests. On several of my most recent hikes, I've heard rustling and also seen shadows. At first, I told myself it was the wind, but after watching one of my favorite shows on the History Channel, I realized that it very well could have been a Bigfoot. My friends say that I don't need to be worried about being eaten by Bigfoot, both because Bigfoot usually doesn't eat meat and also because I do, admittedly, have a bit of an odor. Still, I'm afraid. It's winter and I'm sure that with deforestation food sources can be scarce. I want to make sure that Bigfoot doesn't see me as a potential solution to this problem. I was wondering if burning sage at my campsite is likely to ward Bigfoot off. --Bigfoot Bob
Dear Bigfoot Bob, I don't think you have anything to be afraid of. Not because Bigfoot won't eat you, given the chance. But because the National Forests are on their way out.
If you do have the opportunity to hike the forest trails this summer, I recommend bringing bacon with you. Listen, Bigfoot loves bacon. Who doesn't? Bacon is so delicious there are two world religions that keep people from eating it (because their clergy rightly want it all to themselves). I don't know if Bigfoot is technically a priest, but evidence suggests that he loves bacon as much as any man of the cloth. So bring plenty and be willing to surrender it on sight.
As for your bad scent, Bigfoot lives in the forest and doesn't often get to shower. Neither do his friends. Don't rely on your bad smells to save you. Think about it this way. Do most people smell bad??? No. Could this be because most bad smelling people have been eaten by Bigfoot? Probably not, but why risk it? Bacon and not your malodorous face is your salvation!
Well, I hope that answers your question. Keep 'em coming! --Nobleseeker