When I walked into Allen Chapel A.M.E. Church, I was quite noticeably the only white person in the building. The looks I got from some of the other attendees made me confident that I was the first white person to attend one of their services in a while.
Nevertheless, I received a warm welcome from many of the members there. Honestly, I was overwhelmed by their kindness. They were a warm bunch to begin with, but I was certain that some of their kindness was intended to let me know that it was okay for me to be there. I was welcome.
It's a nervous thing being the only one of your kind in a large group. This is true when the thing that makes you different is obvious, like skin color or gender. It's also true if the difference has to do with beliefs or sexual preferences. We don't want to be excluded for those things that make us who we are. We certainly don't want to feel unsafe because of them.
This is something to remember when we engage other people in conversation or when they visit our communities. So often, it's easy to glare at a stranger with crossed arms conveying the idea that, "you disagree with me, therefore we are enemies." We may not mean to be that harsh, but the person on the other end probably already feels unwelcome. For most people, speaking up is itself a brave act.
Of course, this isn't only important when people enter our communities. It's important when we enter into conversation with one another about those things over which we disagree. It's normal to feel tension rise the moment we disagree with one another. It's normal to feel defensive. A disagreement can feel not only like a challenge to our beliefs, but also to our values. It can make the person on the other end of the conversation feel like an enemy.
Of course, it's hard to have an open and honest conversation with someone we consider to be an enemy. Our defenses go up. We seek shelter from incoming ideas. We shoot down the arguments we can, and evade others focusing on our ability to suppress the enemy with outgoing arguments. When we do this, we're not having a conversation. We're not learning from each other. And really, we're wasting each other's time. No one was ever converted either to Christianity or atheism by being sufficiently abused.
If we want to get past this, we need to welcome each other in these conversations. We need to make it clear that the person on the other end of the conversation is not our enemy. We need to show love at the outset. This won't always work. It won't always lead to a healthy conversation. It certainly won't always lead to agreement or conversion. Our goal should be increased understanding, rather than conversion. We should not be in the business of annexing minds. Conversation isn't conquest. Done well, it is an attempt to seek truth together while enjoying each other's company.
The nice thing about this is that when others don't respond in kind, we don't have to continue the conversation. If the goal isn't mutual understanding and seeking truth together, we can peacefully leave any conversation where our partner doesn't share those goals. Let the angry people throw bombs and hide in shelters. We should enjoy the search for truth and the good company of fellow seekers.
Nevertheless, I received a warm welcome from many of the members there. Honestly, I was overwhelmed by their kindness. They were a warm bunch to begin with, but I was certain that some of their kindness was intended to let me know that it was okay for me to be there. I was welcome.
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| The Marquee outside Allen Chapel A.M.E. Church in DC |
This is something to remember when we engage other people in conversation or when they visit our communities. So often, it's easy to glare at a stranger with crossed arms conveying the idea that, "you disagree with me, therefore we are enemies." We may not mean to be that harsh, but the person on the other end probably already feels unwelcome. For most people, speaking up is itself a brave act.
Of course, this isn't only important when people enter our communities. It's important when we enter into conversation with one another about those things over which we disagree. It's normal to feel tension rise the moment we disagree with one another. It's normal to feel defensive. A disagreement can feel not only like a challenge to our beliefs, but also to our values. It can make the person on the other end of the conversation feel like an enemy.
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| How our conversations shouldn't look |
If we want to get past this, we need to welcome each other in these conversations. We need to make it clear that the person on the other end of the conversation is not our enemy. We need to show love at the outset. This won't always work. It won't always lead to a healthy conversation. It certainly won't always lead to agreement or conversion. Our goal should be increased understanding, rather than conversion. We should not be in the business of annexing minds. Conversation isn't conquest. Done well, it is an attempt to seek truth together while enjoying each other's company.
The nice thing about this is that when others don't respond in kind, we don't have to continue the conversation. If the goal isn't mutual understanding and seeking truth together, we can peacefully leave any conversation where our partner doesn't share those goals. Let the angry people throw bombs and hide in shelters. We should enjoy the search for truth and the good company of fellow seekers.
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| When we share ideas, even in passionate or contentious moments we should feel like fellow searchers, not like enemies |
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